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Nothing That Could Be Somethin~The UnAnswered Questions To Life, Is What Keeps Me Goin~->Lifes Little Suprises, Makes It Worth Waking Up~
May 05 Time touchs allSo the time is passing by... May has come and it is going by already so fast. I have two doctor appts this week.. One with the surgen and the other with my doctor. I am hoping all results come back good... Tait is now crawling.. it is amazing how quickly they learn and laugh and love. I cant picture life without him. He is what I live for. The wheather has been very nice and I have been out walking... still have that 25lbs on me I need gone... but no matter how much I walk and exercise... it doesnt seem to want to leave me.... lol... Lincoln and Alexandra only have 2 months of school left then they are going to their moms for the summer, Colin and I then begin more renovations. Meaning painting every room in our house etc... and maybe and hopefully putting a back deck on the house for a new selling feature... Which we dont plan on selling right away.. maybe in the next year who knows. Colin loves his new job working for the MD of Bonnyville.. pay is great and he is inlove with it... I am so excited for this weekend.. I live for it lol.. j/k..... We are having date night... which we actually never have had... We are maybe going golfing during the day which I know will be funny cause I cant swing.. then we are going out to dinner and then a movie.. then back to our place and..... lol.... playing cards.. j/k... No it should be exciting.. my mom and tim are coming this weekend to take tait for the night.. WOOT! other then that... not much is going on.. I hate the neighbor hood we live in.. Someone and I WONT SAY any names.....cain...... set the back forest on fire ON PURPOSE.. and almost burned down a house...... also they have been stealing everything and anything.. I am paying 400 a month to rent the land our house is on.... and I cant leave shit on it... like really.. cause it may get stolen...... and the cops.. have done shit all!!!! i mean showing up when someone calls... well that would be a start... but other then that.. all is well.. just watching tait play and i am gonna get ready for my day... May go for a walk unsure yet..... I cannot believe how fast time is passing by.... it is wow... For those I dont speak to anymore.. for our own reasons or maybe urs or mine..... I hope all is going good.. and good things have come to you.. and you have found happiness..... that everything does happen for a reason and holding a grudge.... only brings on hate.... You guys know who you are..... Even if we havent spoken in a few years.... or maybe months.... just take care... and you do cross my mind and I pray your dreams come true.... Anyways... new pictures soon!!!! take care everyone January 06 UPDATEWell I am sitting at home, and tait is taking a nap:) I just finished cleaning the house and thinking about getting a shower lol..
Lincoln has decided to stay for the remaining of the year! Which is awsum. So Alexandra and Lincoln are at school, and Colin
is at work. I need a nap lol... Christmas was good, got to meet Colins brother and see his other one. My mom took tait for
alittle while... lol.. too long.. We are making our way there this weekend. Today I have some shopping to do. Anyways this
is just a quick update. I am on facebook more than this.. July 05 no idea... lol..let the darkness take you over just one more time.. as the dead air escapes from the mouth that has fed so many lies.. and you run to hide from.. what once is... knowing.. it no longer remains.. holding on to the pieces that float around as each piece has lost its place.. and walk alittle futher... and u shall see... the truth....... no one can tell ya.. u gotta find it for urself.. May 05 Bored as me?It's saturday may 5th... and i must say its been a boring yet relaxing day.. I have not left my room yet and its 8:19.. I have been sleeping and chatting.. I must say though I am retardedly hungery.. But meh.. So far this weekend has been off to a terrible begining... well thats a lie.. half of friday was awsum.. up till hmmm 1:30am.. Long night..... but I got a good nights rest.. somewhat.. around 4ish am.. lol.. Umm overall things havent been too bad.. Im living...just waiting for the next exciting thing to happen.. (playing eye spy...)... no but meh... lol.. wow i have no idea what to write.. Missing my friends from nova scotia tons!!! its crazy.. GRR... Been looking at going to school not this year but next... save me money!!!!!!! looking into getting a place... I can actually set up the couch set and 61" tv.. its sad really.. its just sitting in the back of the store... in a box.. it needs to live!!!!!!!!! Maybe I should go outside:).. lol.. a bit crazy right now.. hmmmm Well Im gonna maybe put some new pictures up than.. maybe get something to eat...im soo comfortable right now... meow.... lol Well if you actually read this whole thing you must be just as bored as me.. which is sweet.. im not alone!!! April 19 Wonders.. good old timesIm searching for something that people say dont exist.. And I hope im not the only one that blindly thinks so.... Please tell me Im not..A Life where money isn't everything, yet you dont have to worry about it. A Life, where we work so we can live to the fullest, rather than have a life filled with work.. That not everything is a busy schedule.. That Love overpowers anything and everything. A Life that things can be replaced but your love ones. A Life that is filled with freedom and time to realize how wonderful everything is.. Im searching.. I want this... As I lay my head on the pillow that has lost the smell I grave so much. As I pull the blankets over my breakable body.. I snuggle into them, holding on to hope.. Knowing that some day.. some how I will find this.. A Life.. That i can do what I want.. A Life.. that is worth living.. I want my days to be filled with laughes, experiences, emotions; beyond words, plant a garden that will grow, a chance to see the world that we live in.. A chance.. at something very few have.. I search to find.. dead ends.. A Life that doesnt involve catch phrases, or lies.. A Life that you live.. Sometimes I waste hours thinking of this..I cant find a reason to let go... to let go of my dream.. to have a job I love.. to have a family that i love.. to have a place to call home.. 0 out of 3.. lol..... give it time.. if you want anything you gotta search.. find a time of love and laughter. Find a time.. to experience... A time to let those know they are first.. and they are what makes everything else.. worth doing.. And sometimes I scream... wondering.. am I the only person that wants this.. and thinks.. that it could be possible?...
and these dayz are passing has we are all growing up so fast yet still have the same mind set..as we once had back then.. Ill go around in circles wondering if im the only one who feels this way..wondering does anyone remember the times phones didnt exist... the time when waking up early wasnt an obligation.. when judging people was something rare... and the times were just filled with laughes...when smilies were the only thing u could see on the people around u and a broken heart didnt exist. And tag was actually fun and spot light was the coolest... and driving was something we pretended to do..that drinking wasnt even thought about cause u were already on such a high.. relationships were just friends or do u like like her/him... As the world spins my head begins to hurt,. thinking of how things changing... yet we are the same people that all had good times together... as we seperate... and move on to things.. that we call bigger and better.. or for some of us.. isnt that much different from high school.. we think of those times... but do we actually think of how good we had it..when plans were made that day.. grab the fishing rod and just head down... climbing through the woods.. when days of the week didnt matter. That almost everything was entertaining. Good times.... nice to remember once in awhile. March 23 And The Thin Line... Breaks..And I needed you, I needed a touch, or word... to fix this pain that seems to settle so deep inside.. I needed the thought
you were there, I needed you... I needed a comfort... and I sit here... spacing out moments that once meant the world..
The darkness sets in, as the light only becomes a passed thought and I begin to believe that, this is the way things are.
The things you want the most but didnt know you want, will be taken from you. The things you thought you wanted, and realize
you no longer do, will be given to you. The things you love, you will push away, and somehow the things you hate, you will become.. and I fall.. alittle deeper into this emotion... called self-pity... yet i refuse to admit.. that maybe Im not strong enough for this.. that, a smile is all I got at this moment... a broken, fake smile.... a smile yet you seem to accept for a pass.. but when I look in a mirror and my eyes reveal that almost everyone else can see, but keeps quiet... I begin to cry... for the moments... that will never come... I cry for.. for the moments I lost out on.... and yes, time shall come again.. but now.. I needed you.... I needed a touch, I needed a word... to make this pain.. sub-side... to make it liveable... and I fall.. deeper, only to realize... i have hit rock bottom and no one will ever know the depth... because I allow them to see only what I know they will allow themselves to see... and the light becomes a theory... that people once spoke of.... and the lights go out... and I sit here..... why..... hope.... and that begins to become...... distance..
I needed the knowledge, I wasnt alone.......
Im way passed gone.. March 09 not too sure.. just gotta read...i sit here in a dark room with tons of words going through my mind and in order to write them down to make sense..... well I dont know if I can.. I sit here thinking of moments, moments that have already passed by... moments I get lost in.. with the sun shining and the water fall next to us.... the long road ahead... I sit here... yet I feel as though i travel around the world in a matter of seconds.... that the touch is real... the smile is true.. and the words.. are heard... the laughes as the sound of our cups clink together... and everyone is over joyed... knowing they will always remember this as the good times.. the yells that could have been heard for miles.. the sun shining as I can smell the grass... or the cold breeze hitting me as I stumble over rocks.. to go pee.. and cant find my way back.. the smell of camp fire... in my hair the next morning.. I sit here..... remembering moments that are sooo alive... yet.. passed.... or the song that hits you... and u get lost.. as u slow danced in the living room... "only 17".. or remembering the feeling of driving on that road.. after work, with good music on the radio and knowing ur going to a safe place.... the excitment that drove u to finish quicker.. or the wind in ur hair as u pedal faster.. and faster.. to know that in a few mins u can sit in ur space..... or as you cruise in the car with tunes and the words of girls gossip.. the laughes that were endless... this is alive... im sitting here in a dark room with flashes of my life.... knowing they arent alive anymore.. yet they act as though they are now... I sit here... remembering how life was... and i snap back to now... as time goes on..... these moments become distance... yet... they are exactly where I left them.... and I will smile at those moments... and hang them high... The lives that I have entered... the people who have impacted who I am.. the people that have been there.. through and through.. the random person I never will see again.. yet.. made such a moment on me.... I sit here in a dark room..... with tons of words going through my mind, the pictures flashing.. as if a movie is playing.. am I crazy? Am I lost? Am I just over seeing? Over looking at what has gone by.. Living in the past?.. I ask...... is it any of these.. or maybe Im just a person reflecting on life.. realizing I had it good.. I had the moments where I was on top of the world.. i had moments that no one will ever speak of, I had moments where I was crazy... I had moments where i felt like dying... I had moments of regret.. I have felt all emotions.. all feelings.. all situations.. yet everyday I learn more and more... I have made mistakes on purpose.. I have let lose to know the feeling of being me... As this movie comes to an end.. another chapter begins.. I sit here... I saw ur eyes.. and fell hard.... I saw the smile that once I thought was lost... and now...... look at the world... not as a whole.... not just yet.. but look at you... look at him... look at her... and slowly.. open the picture... turn the light on.. see... I am here, because I was offered a window and a door. and sometimes I took the door and other times I crawled through the window... I am here because Of the choices I made till this day.. I am here.. because I want to be.. So am I crazy? Am I living in the past.. am I over looking it.. over seeing it?,...... or just reflecting on life?.... I Have meant the world to people and people have meant the world to me.. I have had... passing people.. I Have someone... I have people...who I love and care for... and there is people who love me and care for me..... and the sun will arise once again... and life with continue but for this moment I chose to pause it.. I chose to look at the past and see where I am now.. for regrets are just mistakes u knew u were making.. I have.... lived... but there is sooo much more to see.. And I sit here in the dark,....... as moments pass me by, they are never lost....... cause they are always where I left them...........
and I know u mean what u say, I see the trueness in ur eyes, but do u see the fear in mine? the worries that run through not only my mind but urs,........ I see ur life, i see ur love, I see you... and the fear is no longer alone, it is shared between us... yet I know all will be well.. and the warmth....... makes it final..
February 03 NewsIts been a while since I wrote in this.. I guess I have been busy..Alot well somewhat alot has taken place...
Im living with my dad, renting a room.. for those who dont know.. Kevin and I are wonderful. Been keeping in touch with a few and now working at Dq, and also at the threatre still.. Things arent too bad at all..Ups and downs.. but over all life is working out good..Going to visit me mom and tim in a few weeks.. Kevin is coming:D... Also kevin and I found out some big news.... I am.... 8 4/7 weeks pregnant....Most of you know.. those that dont... Well it came to a shock for me as well... But... Picture this.. Being with someone you once were with when you were younger and wanted to continue to be with but moved away.. kept in good touch.. Just like a best friend.. ups and downs.. Someone.. who u helped and they helped u... for 3 years... .. Someone who has grown over the years.. Not a temper in sight.. SOmeone who believes in almost the same things..Commucation.. is key.. Puts up with ur mood swings here and there.. and nicely askes u about it... Expresses their feelings to youm holds you and loves to cuddle you.. SOmeone who when they look at you.. U still go weak in the knees.. That u feel 100% urself when ur with them.. NO 100% NO judging~~ knows ur dirty little secrets... ur past.. and Cares about u.. no matter what... now picture that..Doesnt get sick of u.. Accepting if one day ur clingly and also feels like that once in awhile also.. Someone who u have tried to be with over the years but timing was never right... Well.. that... that is what makes me feel.. good about everything.. I at first felt like I was living a dream.. dont get me wrong.. we have our downs.. but how we handle them.. wow... So.. yea... I was scared and a bit am.. but.. I can say 100%.. Im not alone at all...
well.. things are well..cold lake is COLD.. and Id like to move somewhere else..in good time though.. Well.. take care everyone.. January 12 not much to writeWell, im moved in with my dad now, rent is cheaper so thats good.. Ankle is all better.. Working at a movie threatre part time, whenever i choose to and also Dq.. start monday.. Hahaha yeah another dq... o well.. pay isnt bad and i got the hours i wanted.. Monday-Friday.. 9:30-5pm.. So... it works for now.. overall things are going well.. Alittle scared.. waiting for it to all come crashing down before me.. Havent been feeling good lately.. well 2days... but today just slept all day.. cause i felt stomach sick.. hmmmm.. not sure what to really write about... O, Kevin and I went to edmonton last weekend.. and it was a blast.. so that was fun.. And we are gonna go again in April.. for longer.. so looking forward to that.. till then saving money lol... umm. things are good.. of course things could always be better but if u focus one what could be better you lose sight of what is right now.. so.. basically just enjoying and living.... Not liking this cold wether... lol.. Cant wait to go camping this summer!!! tons of that! and swimming... ooo i dream of the day... well ill keep this short and sweet...I will post some edmonton pictures once i get them developed. Right now im gonna try to post some random ones.. if not ill just had them to the edmonton one i will make.. till then hope all is well.. December 24 No Title... just.. more than words..NOTE: AFTER READING THIS.. THE ENTRY: PEOPLE THANKS.. IS UPDATED..
My Wish-Rascal Flatts
i hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left, i hope you always forgive, and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get, oh, you find god's grace, in every mistake, and you always give more than you take (Time Has Gone By... But I'll always Care) well im in fort mcmurray right now.. for christmas of course.. its nice to be home.. I think.. well its not really home.. nova scotia is.. and its really different and how things are done here is different, but in all honestly... its not bad... my mom is sooo happy and looking young.. and its soo good to chill wit greg and amanda... lol and jelly donut... ummm... cold lake is going well.. ankle is almost better...Im happy... and the last few days been able to talk to some friends so... it was nice to hear from them.. Im sitting here in fort mack, with head phones on talking to someone that has opened my eyes up many times in such a short time.. but.. good friend.. umm... as we all know i am not the biggest christmas fan but.. im trying my best to enjoy it.. i like to buy presents so... spent a good amount of time and money today doing so.. right now listen to the song hurt... the version by Jonny Cash. Much emotion i must say.. brings tears to the eyes.. Its sad to think most people will never experience or feel such an emotion that is expressed..soo strongly... or.. really grasp it.... Life is so short i am realizing, but making the most of every day... Life seems to be falling into place... slowly but.. i can see it... alittle bitter sad sometimes.. but.. that comes with change and growing... The people in my life have changed dramically in this last year.. and im amazed at everyone and how many things have changed... but.. slowly i will learn to accept the things i cannot change and change the things i can.. but.. im learning to be less stress and not sweat the small stuff... "people that have everything arent the happiesnt people, its the people that make the most of what they got and enjoy every second... " Im thankful.. Im thankful I have such wonderful people in my life that care for me, and even if sometimes i think they have forgotton they always surprise me... im... thankful for having such a wonderful family that i am now getting to know.. and a wonderful person in my life to share memories with.. im a lucky person.. and i think sometimes i forget that.. i have to go but i will try to update this before i leave back to cold lake....
P.S.. got to see some friends today which was nice!!!
Ok Im back..
well Chruch.. was.. cut short, my sister fainted... due to the heat and having to stand.. I bailed... with my brother.. after 2 people steped on my BAD foot... i went to the truck and fell to sleep.... but yeah I just like started crying... But she is doing ok and is well.. my stomach is soo sore, BLOATED... anyways.. overall things are well... tired and i know tomorrow is gonna be a long day.. but meh... So its 11:33pm now... i keep updating this over the night... honestly i got alot on my mind and it doesnt feel like christmas at all... i just dont have the christmas cheer in me.... sorry fellows.. What happened to my sister was something small but i cant get over the feeling i got... i dont know what id do if something happen to her... My family drives me insane... yet their happiness is most important to me... Lately i have been scared of life... and not making the most of it.. or it ending too soon.. though i do think everything happens for a reason doesnt mean I will always like that reason.. im scared that when im 44 i wont be happy with the life in which i chose.. but i guess all we can do is... lay out all the infortmation we have now.. to make the best choice... and time plays it all out... I am very grateful.. and do consider myself very lucky.... i just... want everyone to feel what i do.. though it doesnt feel like christmas... and this christmas is and will be different.. its the first christmas without glen. my step dad, after 14 years... so.. I miss him alot... i keep thinking im going to see his face tomorrow, with his video camera and his corny yet funny jokes... i wont lie... i miss it more than anything... but i also realize how happy my mother is and that is what drives me accept the change.. her smile brightens up a room.. and thats priceless.. she really deserves that... Greg just fell asleep on me... watching Jon Tucker Must Die.. rented it off PPV... lol... good movie i suppose.. Looking forward to going back to Cold Lake, but at this moment.. Im looking around the house, watching my mom and tim.. come in and out of their room with a gift.. each time they wrap a few.. lol.... and... even though it is different.... its beautiful... memories are a nice thing to have, but dont get lost in them.... live... remember.. but dont.. get blinded of what use to be.. and i guess thats what i was... blinded.... the 26 i go back to cold lake and share christmas with my father (tony) and my bro and sis are gonna come visit my dad so.. that should be nice... then the 27, kevin and i are sharing christmas together, so.. im looking forward to it..... my ankle is still killing me but it is improving.. sore throat of course... yes im always sick! i swear if someone has a bit of a cold.. i get it 12000 times harder/worse... I was asked today..by someone.. if i was happy.. I couldnt say yes... but at the same time i couldnt say no.. why.. no idea... can I admit im happy... is that it?.. I think I am happy..... I think Im good... am I truly happy?.. I dont know.. I know at this moment.. i do feel as though i am on top of the world.. I am feeling things I didnt know I could.. Im amazed, stunned, overwhelmed.... but to admit that... I wont... but as a secret...... Im begining to see.... what was there all along.... Im on the right track... and Im letting go of the would haves, could haves, and what ifs..... in order to move forward and be where i want to be, not only physical, but mentally, and emotionally.... so.. Am I happy.. Yes.... but i wont admit it......
and i saw the emotion in ur eyes that night you held me so tight The way you looked into my soul... and I hid it all from you.. I hid how I felt for the fear of it not being returned.. I run away from every moment you presented... yet.. i stick around.. to see the tears that build up in your eyes and you let soo freely fall.. and I wipe mine away before they even hit my flesh... I feel it to.. I feel the passion building that seems to overwhelm me each time Im around you. I feel the love that is never spoken of, for the fear of just saying something. Only when Im with you.. I know who I am.. and all the things I want to be.. For so long, I thought my soul mate was someone else.. I was told.. over and over...but never felt this emotion that has no name.. for its new.. the rebirth of my heart I can honestly say... I love every aspect of you.. I love how I am when Im with you. . I love how you are when you are with me.. I love how we are... Admitting Im Happy.. and i sit here on the verge of actually admiiting u mean someting to me and I cant help but think......... maybe this time I have found something i was begining to think didnt exist... and time has touched all and has changed us into people that might be able to make something work.... and Ill turn away for the fear that i could actually be happy and be at risk of losing it all... each day waking up with the gut feeling knowing you want the same thing with me... time is what holds us..... and I'll slowly get up realizing that I adore you more than i am ready to... that my mind is overcrowded with thoughts of us.... yet its a comforting feeling... When you look into my eyes..... and smile and the words have no need of being said because they would only get in the way of the connection that glows with colors... and I'll put my mind at ease, knowing that nothing last forever.... but... in my heart I know.... when i look at you... i found the place i was searching for all these years.... with illusions that I felt along the way.. and the people who brought me closer to you.. Ill try to convince myself that feeling this way is ok.... walking through town, I see the so many walks of life.. and the way everyone is sooo guarded and bless the heart that opens up to the world... and gets cut with every lie that isnt being sad... every whisper that can be heard throughout the town... I see the beauty very few see..I see the wonders..... this world holds.. and I see you.... And i go to run.... scared.... but stop myself in my tracks.. knowing...Im where im suppose to be.... and to say that with out looking to the left.. or a thought in the back of my mind.... allows me to stand strong... beside you... and one day we shall part... but not today.. for everyone loses the one they care for, with the help of time, and growing old.. a life conversation comes to an end... but not today...not now..
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